Most people don’t realize it, but the root of most “conversation problems” in relationships has little to do with the words someone’s communicating. It depends on what the receiver is actually hearing.
If you think about, listening skills account for at least 50 percent of your conversation because they require you to be in tune to the information and communication that’s being transmitted. Your ability to receive that information and process it accurately makes or breaks the entire conversation. If you receive zero percent of the communication being transmitted your way in a conversation, for instance, you’re left with only 50 percent of the content, which is what you communicated to the person in front of you (that’s assuming you communicated perfectly). And let me put it to you simply: 50 percent is a failing grade.
If that’s the reality, then why is it that we spend so much more time focused on how to communicate than how to listen? It’s no wonder that James 1:19 starts with the skill of listening: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak.” Quick to listen. I don’t know if this phrase would describe too many of us, if we’re completely honest. And the question is why? Why is it so hard for us to be good listeners? Why is listening usually the passive portion of our conversations rather than the active priority? My guess is that it’s rooted in an underlying belief system (leave it to the counselor to always go there). I wonder if it’s because deep down we actually believe what we’re saying is somehow more important, valuable, or urgent than what the other person is saying. Deep down we believe that what we have to say is more important than what we have to hear. And belief systems really do go a long way.
Shifting our beliefs
The opposite of believing that what you have to say is more important than what you have to hear isn’t believing that what you have to say is not valuable, but it’s choosing to believe that the communication of the person standing before you is just as valuable. Philippians 2:4 is an important affirmation of that mindset shift: “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others” (esv). Also is the key word here. Don’t be so focused on what you have to say, your own interests, ideas, and input, that you miss the interests of others. Their 50 percent is just as important as yours. In fact, it might even be considered more important conversationally in that if you miss it, you’re back to a failing grade of 50 percent no matter how well, clear, or effective your own conversation skills were.
Whether you’re talking to your spouse in a heated conversation or to your boss in an awkward one, your ability to receive their interests and input in the conversation is crucial to the outcome of the entire equation. If you struggle to believe this deep down, it’s important to ask yourself why. Because of your past, some of you are in self-protective mode: afraid to let your guard down and truly consider the interests of others out of fear you’ll get hurt, forgotten, neglected, or silenced if you don’t speak up and speak out. I’m going to go back to this often throughout this book, but dealing with those underlying belief systems rooted in past “people wounds” is the first step in being able to build healthy people skills. So what are your underlying belief systems, and how do they show up in your listening skills?
Reclaiming the 50 percent
Now that we’ve gotten to deeper motivations, let’s come up for air and talk about some practical ways to strengthen your listening skills. Here’s how you can reclaim the 50 percent of conversation that would otherwise get lost without your ability to receive it through listening.
1. Remove Distractions
Distractions are everywhere. It’s easy for your listening to get hijacked, not because of a lack of motivation, but simply because of distraction. Make it a point to put away your phone, turn off the TV or music, and limit distractions as you’re able when you’re involved in a conversation. My husband knows he has a tendency to be easily distracted, so when we’re on a date, he makes it a point to choose the seat that has the least amount of stimulation (away from doors or spots where people are walking in and out, facing away from TVs and other screens, etc.) so he can stay focused on tuning out the external stimuli and tuning into our conversation.
2. Practice Active Listening
Active listening is the body language we portray during a conversation. When we’re engaged in really listening to someone, believing that what they have to say is just as important, our body language and tone should match that belief. When you’re listening to someone speak, be intentional about looking them in the eyes, nod your head to show that you’re receiving the content, and use follow-up questions to clarify or comments that stay on track and elaborate what the per son is saying. Not only does this help the other person know you’re listening, but this active engagement also helps you to stay tuned in to what’s being said. Active listening goes a long way in my counseling office, and it will go a long way in your interactions as well.
3. Don’t Interrupt
I have a list of three pet peeves, and this is one of them. Be careful not to interrupt or interject when you’re listening to someone. Wait until they finish their sentence or thought process before you jump in to reply. Interrupting someone is a telltale sign of a lack of listening skills, because you’re often so focused on what you want to say next that you jump in before the right time rather than stilling your own thoughts enough to receive what’s being said to you. So take note of your tendency to interrupt and work on truly listening.
4. Use Reflection
If I had to narrow listening skills down to one trait, it would be this one. Reflection is the ability to repeat back (in your own words) what the other person is saying in order to make them feel heard. In fact, it’s such an important part of listening that it’s one of the pillars of a proven marriage communication activity called the Speaker Listener Technique. The goal of reflection is to receive and then process what the other person is saying, and then communicate to them that it’s been received by offering them a short summary of what you believe they said. The goal isn’t to simply parrot the person talking, meaning you don’t want to repeat what they told you verbatim. The goal is to listen and learn. For example, someone might say, “Today was rough. My car broke down on the way to work, my boss called an unexpected meeting to offer me feedback, and I didn’t have time for lunch, so I had to hit up the vending machines.” To which an active listener might respond, “I’m so sorry, it sounds like you had a really frustrating day where everything that could go wrong pretty much did.” You could also start a reflective sentence by saying something like, “What I’m hearing you say is that…” and reflect back what you’ve heard in your own words.
Reflection is powerful because it not only requires you to actually listen and learn, but it also communicates to the person speaking that you’re truly present and engaged in what they’re saying. I don’t take it lightly when I say that the skill of reflection could literally change your relationships.
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